Done Being Pregnant (Personal Post)

    Last night, as I scooted down on our bed to put my head flat on a pillow, I thought- It wasn't that long ago that this wasn't possible for me. My most recent and last pregnancy was physically difficult. The first one was psychologically, physically and emotionally challenging. I ended up developing severe PPA & PPD after that one. I didn't realize that I suffered so monumentally until we had our youngest daughter. The baby blues were like a rollercoaster in the kid land of Six Flags compared to the absolute never ending hell that was PPA & PPD. 

    O (The 3 year old), came out at 35 weeks, vaginal birth, medicated. E(1 month old) came out via C-section because she was frank breech. Each came with their challenges. However, we are 100% done. During the C-Section, I electively went through a salpingectomy. A complete removal of my fallopian tubes. Not the most popular option, but i wanted to be complete sure that I wouldn't suffer an ectopic anytime in the future. Especially because of where I live (Texas), I wouldn't be able to receive medical treatment until every doctor, nurse or pharmacist had consulted with their lawyer. We had a very long discussion during my pregnancy about whether or not we were done having children or not. I once read a quote from another mom blogger that said "Envision your table at Thanksgiving. Are all the seats filled? If not, you aren't done having children." I imagined what our life would look like at Thanksgiving and all our seats were filled. So we decided to go ahead with sterilization. My husband was going to get a vasectomy in a years time or so, but since they were already going to be inside my abdomen we just decided to get them removed at the same time. 

    I'm sure people are wondering, but what about if your child dies? Wouldn't you want another one? Having another baby would not replace the pain I would experience having lost a child. People are not like fish, you can't just buy a new one to replace what you lost. I am content with the children we have now, plus I only have so much patience.... 

    Last night, while I lay in bed, snug as a bug in a rug, I started thinking about all the things i'll miss and won't miss from being pregnant. So I made a list. 

Things I'll miss 

• Feeling my belly swell with a child
• Feeling a baby kick
• Watching my body change
• Wearing extra stretchy clothes
• Having extra long hair, extra long nails, and wonderful skin. 
• Seeing my baby on a sonogram and seeing them wiggle and move around before I could feel it
• Seeing my baby on a sonogram and trying to figure out if they look like their sibling or not. 
• The exhilaration of finding out the sex of the baby. 
• The hormones making me cry from sadness and happiness at the same time. 
• Buying new dresses or outfits that accentuated my bump. 
• Big Boobs. The biggest. Awesome. 
• Birth and being able to see your spouse become a parent for the first or second time. It's life changing. 
• Cherishing the time with your spouse alone before its the three of you, or cherishing the time with your children before she's not an only child anymore. 
• Enjoying being able to eat whatever you wanted, and sending your spouse out for cravings, no matter how weird. 

Things I won't Miss

• Heartburn. Not just heartburn but feeling like you swallowed a fire breathing dragon.
• Morning Sickness that turns into whatever time sickness. 
• Coughing so hard you pee yourself or throw up. 
• Body Dysmorphia. Watching your body change before your eyes, and gaining a lot of weight in a rapid amount of time. 
• The fear that you'll lose the pregnancy at any point. Up to the 12 week mark, or any time past that. 
• Not being able to lay flat on your back. 
• Not being comfortable at any point at night or during the day
• Excessive Tiredness, I'm not talking just a little sleep, I'm talking pure exhaustion you can feel in your bones. 
• Anxiety from having too much done, not enough, wondering when the baby will come. 
• Constant doctor appointments if you're high risk, or not enough if you aren't. 
• Having to get my hair recolored or cut every 6 weeks. Painting your nails only for it to be grown out by morning. 
• Feeling like an Invalid when you can't put on your clothes by yourself, or pick up things off the floor. 
• Having your entire appetite change. I couldn't eat chicken with O but everything else was OK, however I had to drink protein shakes most days to keep stuff down. With E, I was basically a vegetarian and only wanted to eat candy. I could barely eat any meat, and ended up anemic towards the end. I enjoy being able to eat whatever I want now. 
• Eating Pepcid like it was candy, several times a day. Omeprazole did nothing, Nexium barely helped, it was horrible. 
• Getting sick and not being able to take most medications.
• The recovery of each one. Pad after pad, ice packs, dermoplast, hydrocortisone cream, physical therapy, etc. 

    Being pregnant was a privilege I wasn't sure I would be able to experience. I really enjoyed each one, for all they gave me, and all they taught me. Motherhood and Parenthood isn't for everyone, but I feel like this was what I was meant for. Even on days when I am at my wits end, have no patience and I want to cry, I still find something to be grateful for. As for tonight, i'll be enjoying my heating pad on high, my extremely comfortable pillow cradling my head, and no heartburn from the dinner I ate. I may even eat chocolate before bed!